We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain,
and the most enlightened when we are the most confused.
I had a [major] small victory this week.
I went to my OBGYN for my yearly checkup and when I went in there, I was greeted with the doctor that told me before getting pregnant with Leo, and during pregnancy with Leo, that I was too heavy. And honestly, she was right.
Before getting pregnant I was 30 lbs overweight. And when I was pregnant, I gained another 30 lbs. This time last year I went in for my checkup and I remember catching a glimpse in the mirror of my face. And I didn't even recognize myself. I saw an overweight, depressed woman and felt like a shell of my former self. The words by my doctor killed me. And made me actually choose another doctor because I didn't want to face getting told about my weight again.
But this week, when I went in, I made the appointment for the same doctor. To sort of, face a mini fear of mine. Because this past year has been all about self growth. Self love. And remembering the importance of my personal identity and self worth. And in that process, I have lost 20 lbs so far. (only 15 more to go!)
When she came in, the first thing she said to me was a hearty acknowledgment of the weight that I lost since my last visit. She said that she was proud of me and told me to keep going and whatever I was doing was working.
I almost cried happy tears.
It's amazing how the words of a random stranger even means so much to me. That it did so much damage initially. But it's even worse that I let myself get to a place where I could feel so down about myself. Even before getting pregnant. And then pregnancy, as it usually does to us women, ripped me and my body a whole new one that took a long time for me to adjust and recover from.
But this week, it felt like I came full circle. And I was so happy, I took a picture of myself in the same mirror that made me cry this time last year and posted this on instagram.
The last time I was in this doctors office I was going through some heavy post partum depression. I was 30 lbs overweight. And I felt like a shell of my former self. Today, I stand in here 20 lbs lighter than my last visit (thanks @loseitapp). My postpartum has gone and healed. And I feel a sense of empowerment over my life and insecurities giving me more confidence than I’ve walked with in years. It’s amazing what a year can bring us. And even moreso when we dedicate our time to our self worth and identity.
I'm sharing all of this because I know a lot of other women out there feel the pressure to be this perfect little stick figure in order to feel beautiful. And although losing some of my weight has given me a lot more confidence again, I have also learned (while doing this project) that real beauty (as cheesy as this is about to sound) truly does come from within. That happiness is what makes us radiant and what shines a light on our darkness.
But also, that happiness isn't something that just comes to us. It's more of a mindset than a feeling and it takes a lot of exercise to get it strong. And there will always be things picking at it, challenging it, or even trying to take it completely away. But finding the things that keep us strong in this life is essential. And well, focusing on that first made it easier for me to lose the weight to begin with. And it's made it easier to be a better mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. And friend.
But, amongst the crazy work it's taken to really focus on pulling myself out of my postpartum depression and heal my self esteem, this little victory at the doctor's office yesterday truly made my week a good one. And it will be a subtle reminder that I'm on the right track in stepping towards the light of a brighter sun. And a stronger happiness than I've ever had before.